Fucking ridiculous.

Is it really too much to ask that there exist someone in the world who would quite like to fuck me?

Or am I actually going to spend the rest of my life lusting after all the beautiful people I know who wouldn't look at me twice...

Seems a distinct possibility.

Dear people. Fuck me, or stop being so fucking fuckable. Deal?

Fuck.

Hello and welcome to ketosis

This feels amazing. My life, I mean. My life at the moment seems so amazing.

I've been on and off low-carb for the past five weeks, and I can't even tell you how much better I feel when I am, and how shitty I start feeling when I start on the starches and sugars again. I really feel like this is the answer. No grains, no sugars, limited fruit, limited starchy veg, unlimited other veg, dairy, meat, fish, eggs, herbs and spices, water water water water, and occasional very dark chocolate. I'm not counting calories. I'm not even tracking macronutrients. I have enough of a sense of the energy contents of foods, and enough diligence reading labels, to roughly know what I'm eating. But I don't plan out my meals any more. I don't stress over reaching or not reaching arbitrary numbers.

I eat when I'm hungry. And I eat varied, delicious, balanced meals of proteins, fats, and vegetables. And my blood sugar is so ridiculously stable that I often only end up eating twice a day, because my satiety lasts so long that it can take a good six hours or more to get hungry again. And when I do get hungry, it's not the stabbing, urgent, crazed hunger that makes you want to grab the nearest thing and scarf it down, it's just a gentle reminder that I should start thinking about food again. I'm losing my phobia of decent sized meals. I'm pretty much over my phobia of fats.

And do I crave carbs? Not really. Yeah, sure, sometimes I feel like something starchy would be amazing, but actually I know it wouldn't be. Because carbs actually aren't all that interesting. They have little taste, little texture, little interest value. We use them to bulk out meals, because they're cheap. That's the only thing they have going for them, really. I am spending a heck of a lot more on food. But that's fine. My health is worth more to me than money. And since I don't buy processed foods, or eat out often, or drink anything other than water except very occasionally, or waste food, I reckon in the end I don't spend much more than anyone else.

I have so much energy for life. My body feels happy with me. If I take in starches and sugars, I almost instantly get bloating and digestive issues, not to mention zippy blood sugar and fuzzy mental state. I actually think maybe I'm a bit gluten-intolerant, since wheat seems to give the worst reaction. So grains are completely out for the moment. I think in the future, when I'm no longer trying to lose weight, I might try adding back potatoes and other tuber starches a bit more frequently, but I don't hugely miss them. I made the most fucking amazing cauliflower soup yesterday, and it was so thick and creamy that I don't think I'll bother putting potato in soup ever again.

I guess it's all about finding what works for me. It's about not restricting my life according to what societal dietary norms, or conventional/governmental wisdom, or 'common knowledge' thinks is right. Because once you start actually researching the nutrition, you find out that most of the things we think we know about a 'healthy' diet are actually complete nonsense. As a history student, I deal with experts talking bullshit for a past-time, but that we're bullshitted to so comprehensively about something so personal and fundamental as out own health sickens and horrifies me. But I'm not out to force-convert anyone. Health is a personal journey, and what works for one person is disastrous for another.

For the moment, I'm just happy with how I'm doing.

And I beat my best long-run this morning, taking my longest to 9 miles, or 95 minutes. Felt amazing. Just... yeah. Good times are here again.

Square One... Thousand

I got back to uni this weekend, following the worst week I'd had in a while. Nothing happened, no disasters, no nothing. I just made some really bad choices. I fucked up. I stopped caring, and then it was so easy just to not care at all.

But it's no big deal, because I'm learning from it and moving on. It's sort of like this summer, these past three months I've been away from uni... to be honest, I've had better summers. Last week I was feeling like I was back to square one, that everything I've achieved was melting away, that really I was a failure and every success had been illusory. I felt like I was going round in circles, because I was relying on university to snap me out of my funk, just like I was this time last year when I started to lose weight, just like I was the year before when I... achieved very little beyond isolation. I felt like I kept having to start over.

But the thing is, right? It's not the same. This time last year I was obese, now I'm a healthy weight. This time last year I could only just run one mile; this morning I ran six, and although it's an effort, it's not hard. This time last year I had barely anyone I wanted to meet up with when I got back to uni; this year I have handfuls.  This time last year I was testing out exactly how few calories I could eat in a day; this year I've learned what I should be eating in terms of nutrition, as well as to listen to my body and what, when and how much it wants. I know how to do this, even if I don't always do it. Last year I wouldn't have had a clue. When I look back at myself a year ago, I barely recognise myself. The way I think about myself has changed so much, and though I'm still far from having a confidently positive self-image, it's better than it's ever been before, and that's no exaggeration. What I've achieved in terms of general happiness and peace of mind is of immeasurable value.

Even this summer, when I've had so many slip ups and so many set backs, in lots of ways I've still succeeded. I've started learning to drive, something that has been terrifying me for years, and actually I really enjoy it. I've pushed my longest run up from one hour to one hour 25 minutes, and I know I can go further, and I want to. I've been very very scared, several times, but I've made myself go for honesty over evasiveness, and I don't regret any instance of it. I've realised that some things are not my problems to solve. I've worn dresses and shorts in public and of my own volition and felt good in them. I've been abroad on my own, and proved to myself that whatever I want to do, I can do it, on my own. I've found a way of eating that feels natural and intuitive and logical to me, after deciding that societal mores and governmental guidelines can sod right off and I'll do my own research thank you very much.

I've proved that all I need is to take care of myself. I'm the only thing standing in my way.

I may be starting a new year, but I am the furthest from square one I've ever been. And the game is on.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

I've been reading up a lot recently on eating low carb and I've decided to give it a go more seriously. I've cut back on carbs before, but only as a means to cutting calories, not because it seemed best for my health. I don't want to become a carbphobe to the point that it makes me reduce the amount of vegetables, beans and legumes that I eat. Fibre is my friend and vegetables are awesome. But I want to try eliminating starches and sugars. I also hope this will help me overcome the fatphobia that has been drummed into my brain all my life. Low-fat is part of our zeitgeist, but I'm increasingly convinced that it shouldn't be. As something as simple as my GCSE in Food and Nutrition can tell me, fat has numerous vital roles in the proper functioning of the body. And what is the role of carbs? They provide energy. Yeah... I have enough in storage I think.

So we'll see how it goes.

From the sublime to the ridiculous (and not connected to the above since I only started low-carbing properly today)...

This morning I went for a run. I was pretty sore from strength work yesterday, and I only got about five hours of sleep. But I thought I'd get out there and get it done. It was a beautiful morning.

I decided to try a new route, or rather... to head out in one direction and just keep going without a fixed circuit in mind. In the past I've found that I tend to stop not because I'm actually exhausted but because I've covered whatever distance I'd planned on.

So I started out. About mile 2 I was going up a hill that never seemed to end. It wasn't steep, but the constant incline was draining. My legs were aching, I was already sweating buckets, I really felt like giving up. So I stopped my timer and I walked to the top of the hill. And then I took a breath and started my timer again and ran. I ran down the hill, and then I kept going, and then I kept going.

I had an idea that I'd like to try for about 5 miles, since I hadn't run that far since my 10K in May. By the time I was at mile 5, the ground was flying so easily beneath my feet that I just kept going. I passed one hour, and one hour five minutes, my previous record for longest time run.

I kept going, because I found I could, because why the hell not?

I finally stopped my timer again at 1 hour 25 minutes, having covered just over 8 miles, and walked the rest of the way home. I have to say, I felt kinda weak and exhausted and seriously thirsty and my stomach was all "umm... what the fuck? Where's my breakfast and what the hell was that?"

But I made it home, immediately drank about five big glasses of water, then took a shower and made breakfast. And I was still tired, but I also felt pretty fucking fantastic.

I have a new mantra, to be repeated to myself in times of crisis and self-doubt:

"It doesn't matter if you can't, but... you can."

You want a lift anywhere?

I live in the middle of nowhere. Or, let's say, my parents live in the middle of nowhere. I refuse to refer to this as my actual permanent residence. That would be far too depressing.

I'm not completely ungrateful. I know that many, many people would give their right arm to live in a place like this, but to be frank, this is the kind of place you come for a week's holiday to get away from the world. Living here, well, that's another story.

The nearest shops are five miles away, the nearest gym six miles, the nearest actual sizeable town is fifteen miles away. And the public transport system is shite. And by shite I mean mostly non-existent. But none of this is a huge problem, because I like walking. But I don't like it so much in the torrential rain. Moreover, crazy country drivers are far more likely to run me over in the rain. Which is not so good. Drivers don't seem to understand the concept of pedestrians round here. If you're wondering about pavements, you may be assured that they do not exist within a five mile radius of my parents' house.

Last week when I was out walking, a car pulled up beside me.

Woman: Do you want a life anywhere?

Me: No thanks, I'm okay.

Woman: Are you sure? You're in the middle of nowhere.

Me: I know. I live here.

I can't wait to get out of here. Again. I wonder why I keep coming back. You may have noticed the three times in the past year when my blog has taken a distinct turn for the worse, when it's become filled with self-doubt and failure and bingeing. These three times are Christmas, Easter, and Summer. Which are, not so coincidently, the three times I've spent time at my parents' house.

This summer has been the worst. These past few months... I don't know what's been wrong with me, but I feel like I've taken about fifty steps backwards. Hideously, I've gained weight. My fitness has worsened. My confidence has dropped. My self-control has been weakening.

I need out of here.

I kidded myself that a couple of days' escape to another country would make a difference. Nah, I lie, it made a difference, but in the end, it wasn't a revolution.

I try not to blame my circumstances instead of myself, but it's too much of a coincidence that I find everything so much harder when I'm here. Partly I guess my childhood home makes me feel like a child. I associate memory with place very strongly, and the place where I spent all my adolescence is bound to have a fair few bad memories. But partly it's because I come back here to see my school friends and my brother, and I barely get to see any of them because - guess what? They all have lives of their own and are off doing exciting things. While I'm... well, sitting around at home breathing in the stifling and distinctly poisonous atmosphere of my parents' completely disfunctional marriage.

I have my fair share of social anxiety, emotional immaturity, and dodgy inter-personal skills. But my parents and their complete lack of empathy with each other, their passive-agressive snideness, and their avoidance of communication as though it were the plague... it baffles me, it really does. I don't understand how two people can have been married for 32 years and yet know each other barely at all. I don't understand how they can live in the same house day in day out and yet communicate with each other so little. I don't understand how they can't manage the simplest and most innocent of conversations without finding some way to wind each other up.

Moreover, I don't understand how they can have so little understanding of who their children are and what they feel. I don't understand what went so fundamentally wrong in our relationship, and when it happened, such that I can't imagine ever confiding in either of my parents any of my private thoughts, problems, or circumstances. I cannot even imagine such a conversation. It saddens me, this. But it also frustrates me. Because there are lots of people I do feel I can confide in if I want to, people my age, and people younger than me, and people much older than me. But not my parents. Because all I see is the distance between them and me, and the distance between the two of them, and the distance between them and all other functional relationships and friendships. And I do mourn the lack of closeness, but also, I can't help thinking... would I be less emotionally fucked up if my parents had been just a bit less disfunctional? Would I be an opener, more confident, more trusting person, if my parents had ever had a conversation with me more serious than what's for dinner? If I'd ever seen them having an open and honest conversation with each other? Philip Larkin was right, as we know.

This is the last summer I'm spending here. I can't handle this sort of length of time stuck here in the middle of nowhere. I feel like I don't have my own life here. I don't feel like myself here.

You want a lift anywhere?

Yes. Please.

Illness and Insomnia

Well isn't that just magical?

I've been consoling myself all day that if I can just trudge on through till the evening then conk out and sleep away whatever vile little virus is wreaking havoc in my respiratory system, I'll wake up feeling better. There could only be one fatal flaw in such a plan, and that would be not sleeping. Well done, brain. This is self-sabotage at its finest.

At least it hasn't been a totally wasted day. I taught myself HTML, of all things. I worded an email to my useless ex-landlady about the deposit she still hasn't bothered to refund. I found a site with links to every single episode of Friends.

But now I'm just left enjoying a paradox of complete exhaustion and boundless restless energy.  Oh insomnia, has absence made the heart grow fonder? I thought I was rid of you.

The moths keep dive bombing my laptop light. And the death-watch beetles that live in the wall behind my bed won't give it a rest tonight.

Let's do this thing.

Okay. The new thoughts are these:

1. Set and stick to daily targets. Use deficit not intake, since you know this works better.

2. Low carb. Not crazily, but let's ease into it.

3. Exercise. Every day. Without fail. Lots. And enjoy it. Remember the frustration of injury or bad weather? Make the most of what you got.

4. No bingeing. This should go without saying, but needs to be said, just so you stop and THINK.

5. Work on strength and flexibility.

6. Weigh in once a week. Restart charts and tickers. Stop the self-delusions.

7. Water. Water water water water water.

8. There is no number 8.

9. Water.

10. Cheer the fuck up.