Week by weak by week

I do so well, and then I don't. Usually I manage about a week of success, and I feel fantastic, and I hope, and it all feels so good... and then something goes wrong, and all of a sudden I'm back to square one: unable to leave my room, shaking, crying, feeling so fucking filthy all over that I want to scratch my skin away and crawl out from inside this hideous waste of flesh. Nothing even happened. I'm ill, so I feel like crap. I have to give a presentation tomorrow, so I'm having a fucking panic attack every time I think about it. I'm desperate to just hang out with my friends and laugh and forget everything, but I'm suffocating under the terrible feeling that I'm an inconvenience and a nuisance and a fucking burden to everyone around me. What the fuck is wrong with me what the fuck is wrong with me what the fuck is wrong with me. And how will I ever get help when all I can think is that I don't deserve it.