Sunday, 20 May 2012

Knowledge from a junk shop tray

I take a jewel from a junk shop tray
And wish I had a love to buy it for.
Nothing I choose will make you turn my way.
Nothing I give will make you love me more.
I know that I've embarassed you too long
And I'm ashamed to linger at your door.
Whatever I embark on will be wrong.
Nothing I do will make you love me more.
I cannot work. I cannot read or write.
How cam I frame a letter to implore.
Eloquence is a lie. The truth is trite.
Nothing I say will make you love me more.
So I replace the jewel in the tray
And laughingly pretend I'm far too poor.
Nothing I give, nothing I do or say,
Nothing I am will make you love me more.
'Nothing', James Fenton

At least I know that you don't know. Because if you knew, you would know how raw I'd be, how much it would hurt to hear you say what you said.

So at least I know that you don't know.

But, it did break my heart, again.

Because I also know that you definitely don't feel the same, secretly. And I can't believe you ever will. Why would you? Why would you look twice at someone like me? Why would anyone?

No matter what I do, no matter what I change, no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how much crap I put myself through... in the end, nothing will make you love me more.

I wish there was something could make me love you less.

Thursday, 17 May 2012


This morning I stepped on the scales and they told me 140.

140lb is 10st, it's 5 stone down from my highest known weight of 210lb. Seeing that means I've lost 70lb, or one third of my highest body weight.

I never thought I'd be here.

I picked it as a sort of goal, because it was a nice round number, because it sounded nice, because it was so far away that it barely mattered what my goal was, I didn't really think I might get here.

Yet here I am.


Don't think it's quite sunk in, y'know. But I think maybe I'm allowed to feel secretly, silently, pretty pleased about it, for a little while.

Monday, 14 May 2012

Onwards and upwards!

So, as you might have anticipated, nothing was as bad as I feared it would be!

The 10K yesterday went really well! I was running with a couple of friends and we all had a really great time, despite the rain, and were all pretty proud of ourselves. My time came in at 59.50, so I just scraped by inside the hour, which makes me so glad that I made myself speed up in the last km and really push myself as hard as I could on the run-up to the finish line. I was walking back across the park afterwards to where we were meeting up, just walking along in the rain and catching my breath, eating my banana, and I was in such a happy daze I couldn't help laughing at myself. This time last year- hell, nine months ago, I could barely run one kilometer without struggling. And I just ran ten. Yay me!

And neither my calf nor my Achilles played up, though I'm laying off running for a few days now just to be sure I don't do anything silly to them. Success!

My first exam went over okay, and my second is tomorrow. I'm feeling okay about it- que sera, sera, and all that. Then my last one is on Thursday, and then I am freeeeee...

As for the binging... I don't know, I'm still working on it. I had a really shitty morning on Saturday where I was incredibly stressed about all of this and I kinda felt like a bottomless pit and just kept eating and eating and it was vile. Yesterday I ate quite a lot but it was all controlled and non-guilt-inducing, so that was all fine, and no binges today, although I have been really hungry. I'm pretty sure it's just boredom-hunger. I'm kinda stuck in the house at the moment because I should be revising, which leaves me with a lot of time just sitting around procrastinating and paying too much attention to my stomach. I'm still going to have to work hard and stay focused to get on top of these binges, but I think it'll help once exams are over and I can be more active again.

Not perfect, but better. Onwards and upwards.

Friday, 11 May 2012

Let's confront this

I'm in a bit of a funk at the moment and there's a lot of crap spinning around in my head, so I just want to try and set it all out and hopefully that will make it easier to deal with.

1. I have a philosophy exam tomorrow and a history one on Tuesday that I am shit scared about, yet can't motivate myself to study for.

2. I can't do my normal running even though I'm at home with plenty of time because I'm meant to be resting for Sunday.

3. I'm running my first 10k race on Sunday. And have to negotiate stupid Sunday public transport at ridiculous hours of the morning to get there early enough.

4. My right calf is twinging. Again. And I'm such an idiot with this, because whenever it starts feeling a bit odd I just want to push through it, and then I get so impatient trying to rest it, and I hate it, it just stresses me out and makes me feel like I can't do anything.

5. My housemate's boyfriend randomly showed up this week to stay for a while, which is fine, but in my weird present state of mind having someone else is the house is stressing me.

6. I'm full of crappy self doubt over my weight loss, given that the scales gave me a STS this morning, and I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday evening about how nothing has changed even though I've lost the weight, I'm still insecure and pathetic and alone and I still feel fat and disgusting.

7. Been binging a bit. Not massive prolonged binges, but just impulsive uncontrolled grab-and-eat here and there, which I feel really shit about, especially in conjunction with not being able to exercise and basically being stuck in the house all day trying to work.

8. Fuck it, I want the summer. The weather is being so miserable and rainy and cold at the moment, and it just makes me feel gloomy.

9. I'm just sick of everything. I want it all to fuck off and leave me alone.

10. But the problem is that I feel so alone anyway.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Flying without wings?

This is going to sound very strange. Because it felt very strange.

I was out running just now, and I was thinking how some days my jogging pace feels really easy and some days pretty hard, but I know I cover the same ground in the same times so I do run consistently at roughtly 6 m.p.h.

So, just for a laugh, I thought I'd try sprinting for a bit, so I pushed myself faster... and it was the weirdest feeling, my legs were going faster and faster underneath me and it kinda felt like they were just carrying me. I hadn't sprinted in ages, but it just felt totally different from any sprinting I ever remember doing, ever. Because I felt... light. Like I was flying.

It was so surreal that I actually stopped because I was worried I might be a bit light-headed, but I wasn't, I was fine. Just not used to not feeling heavy all the time.