Monday, 31 October 2011

Calm down, love, it's only a dream!

So the insomnia seems to have wandered off, but I had a pretty weird and fairly horrible dream last night concerning a certain male whom I may tell you more of another time. What he was doing in the dream apparently means I'm 'feeling an emotional burned from this person' or 'low self-worth'. No kidding. At least in the dream I was running away from him. No matter, I'll take dreams over insomnia, I'm more used to them.

In good news, I did swimming and dancing today and ate pretty well, so I'm feeling good! And the two essays I wrote over the weekend have turned out, on re-reading, to not be utter shit. Woot! Only three more days of work to do and then I get a whole week off... bliss. Although it will probably be a week of not eating so little or moving so much, so I'm writing it off as maintence now. Had a STS with this week's weigh in, which was slightly disappointing, but I was a bit bad last week... and it's my TOTM... or it would be, if I were having one, but it appears nature is giving me a miss this month. Hardly surprising, I suppose.

I've had a pretty fun couple of days actually, odd things aside. I love how positive my mindset is these days. Yesterday I was walking down the street and a van pulled up beside me and a guy leaned out and shouted 'Hey you! Hey! You're ugly!', and then looked really bemused when I smiled at him. And I smiled because I was thinking: "Of course I am, mate, but not so much as I used to be. Whereas you, evidently, are just as much of a prick as you've always been."

So life is good. And so long as I manage to lose something by the end of this week, I'll be at my first goal thing. More on that when I get there.

And now, because life can always use a bit more Tim Minchin...

Thursday, 27 October 2011

This is a bit weird...

So today I went over my calorie goal for the first time in five weeks. I kinda knew I would and also I intentionally didn't obsess over calories today because a) I had to give a presentation in one of my tutorials that has been seriously stressing me out for weeks anfd consequently was a thinly-disguised nervous wreck all morning, b) my inconvenient insomnia is rearing its head again and I just need food for energy, and c) my brother is visiting so I took him out for a meal for lunch, and promptly pounced on the breaded brie.

So partly I went over my goal intentionally, and I kinda feel good about allowing myself a treat day and proving that I can brazenly order fried cheese without any particularly crippling guilt. This is good because I really want to maintain a healthy attitude to food, even though I'm restricting, and I don't want to be an obsessive calorie counter all the rest of my life.

But once I'd worked out exactly how many calories I'd had, I did just start feeling pretty edgy and nervous, and started working out how much walking I'd done today and then went and did 500 star jumps just to get my heartbeat up for a bit. And I keep telling myself that I haven't even eaten over my BMR, so it's almost impossible for me to gain any weight as a result of today's calories, but I still feel just a little fat and lazy because of it.

Still mostly I feel okay, and I'm really trying to force myself to be okay, because it's not a disaster. It's really not. It's not even really worth a blog post, but I've made this the place I put random thoughts, and today has had plenty of random thoughts. It's not like anyone reads this anyway, so it doesn't really matter what I say. But writing about it has reinforced my knowledge that my slightly panicky reaction was unwarranted.

Everything is fine. I'll do better tomorrow.

And hopefully the insomnia will wander away again.

Let's have some Edward Thomas:

"I have come to the borders of sleep,
The unfathomable deep
Forest where all must lose
Their way, however straight,
Or winding, soon or late;
They cannot choose.

Many a road and track
That, since the dawn's first crack,
Up to the forest brink,
Deceived the travellers,
Suddenly now blurs,
And in they sink.

Here love ends,
Despair, ambition ends,
All pleasure and all trouble,
Although most sweet or bitter,
Here ends in sleep that is sweeter
Than tasks most noble.

There is not any book
Or face of dearest look
That I would not turn from now
To go into the unknown
I must enter and leave alone
I know not how.

The tall forest towers;
Its cloudy foliage lowers
Ahead, shelf above shelf;
Its silence I hear and obey
That I may lose my way
And myself."

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Happy feet!

So, good news, I did a wee bit of prancing around and dancing this even, and as yet- no foot pain! Yay! Been taking it easy all week and only doing walking and swimming, so hopefully whatever was up with my feet has had time to recover.
It does mean I've had a bit of a lazy week though, since I've been cutting down by exercise, work is piling up, and a succumbed to the comfort of macaroni cheese. Low fat cheese (which is an abomination, by the way), it admittedly way... but it still felt pretty indulgent. Weigh in is tomorrow morning, and I'm a little nervous about it. Really hope I'll see a little progress. But making sure my feet are okay is more important- if I bugger them up seriously, I won't be able to exercise at all!
So essay deadlines are running up to me with tennis rackets and whacking me over the head at the moment. Luckily I have two titles I'm pretty interested in, but everything I read only seems to prompt further books I really need to read, and I only have two weeks to fit everything in. Not to mention, I have the terrifying prospect of having to give a presentation in one of my tutorials this week. Me and public speaking... we don't go so well together.
In other random news, I made amazing tuna burgers this week - just lightly softened onions, garlic, tinned tuna, plenty of soy and sweet chilli sauce, and an egg to bind it all together, and hey presto! Yummy and simple and proteiny. It's all good.
Over and out for now.

ETA: Shouldn't have worried. Weighed in, and I've lost 4lb! Happy times! Happy feet! I worry too much.

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Saturday mornings!

So Saturday mornings are my weigh-in times, and I can now officially say that after a moderate drop this week, I have now lost one stone in total. This is a very good thing. Of course I'm still a good three and a half stone from my goal, but progress is progress!

My housemate is away for the weekend so I have the house to myself. I expect plenty of dancing insanely around to Lady Gaga, which is my own little way of squeezing exercise in when I'm too busy or the weather is too lousy to do anything proper. I'm having to be careful of my feet at the moment too since I'm getting pain along the tops of them and really don't want to bugger up my tendons, so running is outlawed for the time being. (Which, remarkably, I'm quite disappointed by. Who would have thought I'd miss running!) I may test to see if cycling feels okay though, or else just a lot of walking this weekend and swimming again during the week.

Apologies, this has turned into a really boring summary of my exercise plans. Onto more exciting things...

The weather! (I'm so British...) I think it's turning properly autumnal now. People are even (Shock! Horror!) starting to mention Christmas, and the lights have gone up in town, though won't be switched on for a while yet. I'm not someone who gets depressed at the oncoming of winter. Winter is actually probably my favourite season; I really like it when it's all cold and crisp, I guess the world sort of seems quieter.

Everyday I see Vs of birds fleeing south, who knows where they're off to? They're quite dramatic though, black against the white-cloud sky. Tell you what, I wish some of the seagulls would get off out of here. One properly the size of a small chicken came pecking around my lunch the other day. Vicious little gits.

Time is flying and winter is coming and my weight is falling, and I'm happy.

"Sparrows were feeding in a freezing drizzle
That while you watched turned to pieces of snow
Riding a gradient invisible
From silver asland to random, white and slow.

There came a moment that you couldn't tell.
And then they clearly flew instead of fell."
Howard Nemerov


Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Greetings one and greetings all!

"Moonlit llamas
sunflower seeds
chinese checkers
covered with weeds

I wake from a slumber
to croquet at dawn
played with black hippos
on snow-covered lawn."
Ken Ward

My tastes in poetry vary from deep and meaningful (like this one) all the way to light hearted little ditties (Paradise Lost, for example). Poetry can make people sound very snobbish, and engenders a dreadful kind of pretention to superiority. "Oh, you like those words, do you? You like that writer, who wrote those words? You are clearly an uncultured, illiterate heathen." The thing I love most about poetry is that sometimes you like it in spite of the fact that it's strange, or clunky, or incomprehensible. Sometimes it doesn't matter if it's 'good' or if critics fawn over it or if they dismiss it as drivel, it's about what it means to you. 'Moonlit llamas' has very little literary meaning (or, you might argue, merit), but it reminds me (in ways I couldn't explain) separately but simultaneously of someone I love, of a fantastic month of my life, of an amazing day, of a season, of a photo-memory from when I was very young, of the place I grew up, and of the random wierdness that underlies all my closest friendships.

So, hello. I won't tell you my name, you don't have to tell me yours. Feel free to carry on and read some little snapshots into my crazy little life. Also feel free to click the back button- yet another anonymous blogger rambling on about their world holds limited appeal I know.

What am I up to here? You may well ask.

Well, for starters, and to be totally unoriginal, I'm trying to lose weight at the moment and am planning to use this blog as a little record of my progress. I don't remember a time when I wasn't overweight; ever since I've been aware of what I look like, I've disliked it. But that's going to change! (She says, optimistically!) This time I'm doing it. I'm going to drop to a healthy weight and stay there. And you can all throw tomatoes at me if I don't.

Deal? Deal.

Secondly, this blog will provide an outpouring for the crazy thoughts, bits and bobs, and bits of fluff that bounce around in my brain. I can hear the stampede as you all race for the back button. Oh well... it's your loss! So, random poetry, musings, recipes, books, quotes, crazy things. We'll see what comes, shall we?

Is there anyone still here?

You're brave people. Or bored. Probably very bored.

Well, I think that's enough introductory rambling for now.