New Year's Eve

So, just a quick post to say...

Goodbye, 2011! We've had our ups and downs, let's be honest. We started off pretty damn shittily, and it took us a while to get over that, but then some amazing things started to happen, and then we got off our arse and started to make amazing things happen. So all in all, 2011, you've taught me a hell of a lot about myself and what I can do, and I just wanted to say... thanks.

Give my regards to 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, and every other year that I've spent still overweight, still pessimistic, still hating myself. Tell them you'll be the last one joining them.

2012 is the year in which I become healthy.

But more about that tomorrow. Right now I'm off to see the new year in with one of my beat school-friends. Life is good.

Happy New Year to you all! If you bother to read my posts, I love you dearly, I really do. :)

Positivity and Porridge

I fucking love porridge. It's warm and soft and creamy, and you can whack whatever you want into it to make it taste awesome, and it's got masses of fibre to keep you full. Porridge is fantastic. I intend to eat more porridge, and also to make more random, experimental flavours. My breakfasts will be phenomenal porridgy wonders.

In less happy news, my thoughts have been pretty negative lately. This is due to a couple of reasons, which I am stepping on right now, because I'd rather be happy, thank you very much. So, from now on, positive thoughts only, please brain. Life's too short to spend worrying and beating yourself up. So you make mistakes; you're only human. Get up, forgive yourself, and move on. Be better today.

A list of feeling listless

Assorted thoughts from my brain:

1. I feel sick, physically sick, from my complete lack of self control at the moment. Therefore, I am not touching one single crumb of chocolate today.

2. This house is depressing me. It's far too filled with food I shouldn't eat, and I don't fucking trust the scales.

3. My parents. Have issues. I hate the way they treat each other.

4. I hope I won't be alone for New Year. This time last year was a serious low for me, and I am terrified of feeling the same way again.

5. I wish my friends would let me know when we can meet up. There are three of them I want to see, before I go back to uni in a week, and I worry I won't be able to. Long-standing anxieties about 'what if they don't want to see me?', 'what if our friendship is slowly ebbing away?' are also rearing their ugly little heads. Yes, I have abandonment issues.

6. Today I am not allowed to eat more than 1000 calories. I've already managed to burn half my breakfast onto the pan, so we're off to a good start.

7. Last night I had a mini break-down, curled up in my room, quietly crying to myself. I still haven't learned to bloody reach out to people when I'm upset. But who would I tell? And what would I tell them? When even I don't know why I'm suddenly miserable.

8. I'd think I was hormonal, if not for the fact that I haven't had a period in months. Maybe the hormones run around causing havoc anyway?

9. I just want to smash things. Last night I had a vivid vision of smashing a picture on my wall and setting the broken glass to the skin on my arm. Fuck. It's been almost five years since I last cut... am I going to get these triggers forever?

10. I want to be happy again. I desperately want to go back to uni now and get my control back, but I desperately want to stay here and see my friends. I want to get rid of all my fucking anxieties and fears, I want to be that confident person who doesn't dissolve into self doubt as soon as her friends take a while to text back. I hate being the way I am.

11. There is no thought number 11.

12. I'm going for a run now. I will run for 20 minutes without stopping. I will.


ETA: Ran for 25 minutes. Fuck you, self-doubt.

On the feast of Stephen...

When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even?

Maybe not, given that it's 13 degrees outside and I'm lounging about in pj bottoms and a shirt. Hurray for not being freezing at Christmas!

In other news - warning, smugness ahead - I had a brilliant run this morning. The new plan for running over the holidays was going to be to do a big circuit around where I live, following a pattern of 5 minutes brisk walking and 5 minutes jogging, for as long as I wanted. This morning, I walked for 5 mins, then jogged for 10, then walked for 5, then jogged for 15. Because I'm a boss.

This may not sound like much (and, objectively, it isn't), but this time last year, hell, even last summer, I was struggling to run for 5 minutes straight. Now I'm within striking distance of running for 30 minutes non-stop. That is my new goal.

And if you'd told me last year that I would purposefully wake up early on Boxing Day, go for a run, and feel fantastic about it... I'd have told you to jog on.

Admittedly, I've been being a bit naughty with food the past few days. I don't really care. I'm not binge-ing insanely, I'm just relaxing a bit. And I know full well that once I head back to uni in a week's time, I'll be right back on the straight and narrow. I'm still calorie counting and exercising and all, but it's nice for a little while to just relax.

The other factor in my slightly relaxed attitude is that coming back to my parents' house has sort of woken me up to how much weight I've lost. Not just because my family have noticed (which I was actually pretty surprised by... oh hello, body dysmorphia, nice to see you're hanging around...), but because I'm looking at myself in different mirrors, wearing old clothes I haven't fitted into in years, and just remembering that the last time I was here, in September, I was a good two and half stone heavier. Now I'm lighter than I've ever been in my life (excepting childhood), and I'm only a stone away from being a 'normal BMI'. This takes some getting-my-head-around.

Moreover (this is a weirdly structured post, sorry!), the bathroom scales here seem to think I'm a good number of pounds lighter than my ones at uni. I don't believe them about this, but it's rather put pay to my fear that as soon as I weighed in on different scales it would transpire that I hadn't lost weight at all and my uni scales were just lying to me. Yes this was something that preyed on my mind. Rather a lot. But no more!

I hope you all are having a wonderful Christmas and, though the weather is hardly being appropriate, I thought I'd share my favourite Christmas carol:

"In the bleak midwinter

Frosty wind made moan

Earth stood hard as iron

Water like a stone

Snow had fallen

Snow on snow

Snow on snow

In the bleak midwinter

Long ago."

Christina Rossetti

If only for one day, let me try...

My absolute favourite Christmas song of all time is:

I think we all reach that stage in life when Christmas... just doesn't feel like Christmas anymore. It ceases to be that amazing, out-of-this-world, go-mad-with-excitement, best day of the year... and becomes more about praying all your relatives will be nice to each other and hoping to get the festivities done with the minimal amount of stress, tension and argument.

Nevertheless, I love Christmas. I love seeing my family, and the traditions, and, of course, the food.

Christmas food. Well, it's been weighing a lot on my mind since I discovered the calorie count of a mince pie. I think Christmas is a bit of a worry for anyone trying to lose weight, and I know a common fear is that one you 'fall off the wagon' over Christmas and New Year, you'll never get back on.

Bollocks to that.

Here are my Christmas plans:

1. Enjoy being with my family. This is the most important thing. No one will enjoy spending Christmas with the person who constantly refuses food and obsessively attempts to calculate calorie counts in their head. Family takes priority over weight-loss, any day.

2. Treat myself. This doesn't mean eat mince pies and brandy butter for a week. This doesn't mean eat a box of chocolates in an afternoon. This means, quite simply, if I fancy a mince pie, I can have one. If I'm offered a chocolate, I can have one. One. What I notice about treating myself is that after the first few bites of a food, you aren't really tasting it anymore, you're just eating it. So, treats! But, small treats.

3. Relax. Do not obsess or feel guilty about calories. I've already pre-logged what I'm likely to eat in my family's turkey dinner tomorrow (our biggest Christmas fest with all the family is a week early), and it's already come to about 1300 calories (blame the Christmas pudding!). Now, this is more than I would aim to eat on a normal day, and this is one meal. I also anticipate perhaps eating some fruit in the morning, and probably a couple of canapes (though I'm making them so I can control exactly what goes into them, as well as not feel obligated to eat them to be polite to the chef), and perhaps a chocolate or two and a drink in the evening. I will end up over my calorie goal. This is a fact. This is not something I am going to stress about.

4. Remember the maths. A pound of fat is 3500 calories. My BMR is 1500 calories. From daily activity, I probably burn no less than 1800 calories. I plan on brisk walking/jogging in the morning to burn at least 200 calories. So, any way I look at it, I can eat about 2000 calories and maintain. Hell, most people do that every day! 2000 calories is not masses. On the other hand, to gain even one pound of fat tomorrow, I would have to eat 5500 calories. I'm not sure I could do that even if I ate the whole damn Christmas pudding. I need to remember this. I'd be the first to admit that my thoughts about eating, food, and calories are not entirely without disorder. And to be honest, after aiming for and 99% of the time sticking to a goal of 1200 for three months... I've sort of got used to it. Anything more feels like over-eating. But it isn't. In fact, my body would probably quite like me to eat a bit over for one day. My body needs a break just as much as my mind does. I need to reassure my body that I'm not going to deny it food forever, and I need to reassure myself that I haven't got myself into such a mental state that I freak out about simply enjoying a special meal with my family.

So, that's it.

I read a lot of people saying things like "my goals don't take a break at Christmas, so neither does my diet", and "it's just a day like any other", and "I'm not going to undo all my work by eating like a pig for one day."

I say again, bollocks to that.

My goal is 'happy and healthy', and that includes enjoying Christmas with my family.

I hope you all enjoy your holidays, however you celebrate them. And remember that they're not something to be feared or dreaded or painstakingly overcome... they're something to be enjoyed, and celebrated, and spent having fun with the people you love.

"Give me one more chance to dream again,

One more chance to feel again

Through your young heart.

If only for one day, let me try...

I want to see Christmas through your eyes

I want everything to be

The way it used to be

Back to being a child again

Thinking the world was mine

I want to see Christmas

Christmas through your eyes."

And time will make fools of us all

Like ships in the night

You keep passing me by

There's you and me

And all other people

And I don't know why

I can't keep my eyes off of you.

Help

I have done it again

I have been here so many times, before.

Hurt

Myself again, today

And the worst part is

There's no one else to blame

Be my friend.

Hold me.

Wrap me up.

Unfold me.

I am small, and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me.

I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming your name

Like a fool

At the top of my lungs

You'll try to hit me

Just to hurt me

So you leave me feeling dirty

'Cause you can't understand.

How I need to hear you

Hear you so softly

Hear you say anything...

Every single tear you shed

Well it kills me.

I've said it so many times

I would change my ways

No, never mind

God knows I've tried.

I'm not perfect

But I keep trying

'Cause that's what I said I would do

From the start

I'm not alive if I'm lonely

So please tell me

Was it something I said

Or just my personality?

And I can't find my breath

Can we just say the rest with no sound?

The tears are coming down

They're mixing with the rain

I know I love you

If that's all we can take.

May I hold you

As you fall asleep

When the world is closing in

And you can't breathe.

May I love you?

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

Why are you looking for love?

Why are you still searching

As if I'm not enough?

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

When the tears fall away

And there's no conversation.

There's nothing left to break

That's not already broken.

Call me a sinner

Call me a saint

Tell me it's over

I'll still love you the same.

This is life without you

Learning how to miss you

I guess I'll need to know

How it feels like

This is life without you

I told myself I won't miss you

But I remember

What it feels like beside you.

I've looked at love

From both sides now

From up and down

But still somehow

It's

Love's illusions

I recall

I really don't know love at all

I thought I saw a sign, somewhere between the lines

But maybe it's me,

Maybe I only see what I want

Well I still have your letter

Just got caught between

Someone I just invented, who I really am, and who I've become

So lately

Been wondering

Who will be there to take my place?

I heard that your dreams came true

Guess she gave you things

I couldn't give to you.

Now they're going to bed

And my stomach is sick

And it's all in my head but she's touching his chest now

He takes off her dress

Now

Let me go.

It's just a drop in the ocean

A change in the weather

I was

Praying that you and me might

End up together

It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert.

And I think you should know this:

You deserve much better than me.

It's a quarter after one

I'm all alone

And I need you now.

If I could find the years that went away

I must believe that love will find a way

Tonight.

Lonely, finds me, one day

You will come.

And I'll wait, for love's sake

One day

To be

Loved.

Please, please, please

Let me

Let me

Let me

Get what I want

I find peace when I'm confused

And I find hope when I'm let down

Not in me

In you

It's in you.

I meant what I said when I said "till my dying day"

I'm holding onto you

Holding onto me

Maybe it's all gone black but you're all I see.

And I'll be at your side

Wherever you're falling

Dead of night

Whenever you're calling

So please don't fight these hands that are holding you.

I do want you to know

I hold you up above everyone

And I do want you to know

I think

You'd be good to me

I'd be so good to you.

Time won't ever steal my soul

We're not broken

So please come home.

If the world has

Worn you down

I'll be waiting

So please come home.

Yeah, all the things that you are

Beautifully broken

Alive in my heart

Know that you are everything

Let your heart sing and

Tonight, we'll light up the stars.

I hate to turn up out of the blue

Uninvited, but I

Couldn't stay away

I couldn't fight it, I

Hoped you'd see my face

And that you'd be reminded that for me

It isn't over.

It's easier to be broken

It's easier to hide.

Looking at you

Holding my breath, for

Once in my life

I'm scared to death

I'm taking a chance

Letting you inside.

If I could

Then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high

Or down low

I'll go wherever you will go.

If I could

Turn

Back

Time

I'll go wherever you will go.

My dear,

We're

Slow dancing

In a burning room

  

It is you I have loved

All along.

It was five years ago today.

A lot has changed since then.

But what I realised then, how I feel about you... that hasn't.

I know you'll never see me that way.

I know you're happy.

I know one day I will watch you get married, and live and love and treasure your life.

And I want that for you will all my heart.

But for now just let me say:

I love you.

And, I'm yours.



Plato, eat your heart out!

So the mind-body problem has provided philosophers with fodder for rambling since... well, they began to ramble. Plato (with whom I have a somewhat difficult relationship) favoured the elevation of the rational mind over the sensory body, very roughly speaking. Most philosophers, with the exception of hedonists (who are fun, if you're in that sort of mood), tend to take a similar line. Listen to the mind, not the body.

However, this tends to create issues when your mind is as fucked up a place as mine happens to be. Hence the new strategy: listen to the body, because the mind has no idea what it's on about.

Take this afternoon, for instance.

Body: I'm hungry. Feed me.
Mind: What? You've had breakfast and lunch and a snack and even a naughty sweet. I can't feed you now, we need to save calories for later or we'll go over!
Body: But I'm hungry!
Mind: You just ate!
Body: But you only gave me a hundred and fifty calories. Zoom, it's gone.
Mind: Where? Why has it gone? Get a grip. If I feed you now, you'll be starving later when I'm trying to sleep and then neither of us will be happy. You don't need more calories, you've had plenty.
Body: I've had seven hundred. And you took me swimming for an hour this morning. And then walked me for three miles. And you want to take me dancing all this evening. I. Need. More. Food.
Mind: Why??
Body: Because you're starving me with your stubborn numerical obsession. Now shut up.
Mind: But-
Body: No. Really. Shut up. Go and buy me a sandwich.

So it turns out I should listen to my body more often. It talks more sense than I give it credit for.