Wednesday, 28 December 2011

A list of feeling listless

Assorted thoughts from my brain:

1. I feel sick, physically sick, from my complete lack of self control at the moment. Therefore, I am not touching one single crumb of chocolate today.

2. This house is depressing me. It's far too filled with food I shouldn't eat, and I don't fucking trust the scales.

3. My parents. Have issues. I hate the way they treat each other.

4. I hope I won't be alone for New Year. This time last year was a serious low for me, and I am terrified of feeling the same way again.

5. I wish my friends would let me know when we can meet up. There are three of them I want to see, before I go back to uni in a week, and I worry I won't be able to. Long-standing anxieties about 'what if they don't want to see me?', 'what if our friendship is slowly ebbing away?' are also rearing their ugly little heads. Yes, I have abandonment issues.

6. Today I am not allowed to eat more than 1000 calories. I've already managed to burn half my breakfast onto the pan, so we're off to a good start.

7. Last night I had a mini break-down, curled up in my room, quietly crying to myself. I still haven't learned to bloody reach out to people when I'm upset. But who would I tell? And what would I tell them? When even I don't know why I'm suddenly miserable.

8. I'd think I was hormonal, if not for the fact that I haven't had a period in months. Maybe the hormones run around causing havoc anyway?

9. I just want to smash things. Last night I had a vivid vision of smashing a picture on my wall and setting the broken glass to the skin on my arm. Fuck. It's been almost five years since I last cut... am I going to get these triggers forever?

10. I want to be happy again. I desperately want to go back to uni now and get my control back, but I desperately want to stay here and see my friends. I want to get rid of all my fucking anxieties and fears, I want to be that confident person who doesn't dissolve into self doubt as soon as her friends take a while to text back. I hate being the way I am.

11. There is no thought number 11.

12. I'm going for a run now. I will run for 20 minutes without stopping. I will.

ETA: Ran for 25 minutes. Fuck you, self-doubt.

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