Friday, 11 May 2012

Let's confront this

I'm in a bit of a funk at the moment and there's a lot of crap spinning around in my head, so I just want to try and set it all out and hopefully that will make it easier to deal with.

1. I have a philosophy exam tomorrow and a history one on Tuesday that I am shit scared about, yet can't motivate myself to study for.

2. I can't do my normal running even though I'm at home with plenty of time because I'm meant to be resting for Sunday.

3. I'm running my first 10k race on Sunday. And have to negotiate stupid Sunday public transport at ridiculous hours of the morning to get there early enough.

4. My right calf is twinging. Again. And I'm such an idiot with this, because whenever it starts feeling a bit odd I just want to push through it, and then I get so impatient trying to rest it, and I hate it, it just stresses me out and makes me feel like I can't do anything.

5. My housemate's boyfriend randomly showed up this week to stay for a while, which is fine, but in my weird present state of mind having someone else is the house is stressing me.

6. I'm full of crappy self doubt over my weight loss, given that the scales gave me a STS this morning, and I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday evening about how nothing has changed even though I've lost the weight, I'm still insecure and pathetic and alone and I still feel fat and disgusting.

7. Been binging a bit. Not massive prolonged binges, but just impulsive uncontrolled grab-and-eat here and there, which I feel really shit about, especially in conjunction with not being able to exercise and basically being stuck in the house all day trying to work.

8. Fuck it, I want the summer. The weather is being so miserable and rainy and cold at the moment, and it just makes me feel gloomy.

9. I'm just sick of everything. I want it all to fuck off and leave me alone.

10. But the problem is that I feel so alone anyway.

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