Why can't I just have a normal relationship with food?
How do other people manage it? They eat when they're hungry, they eat what they want, they stop when they're full. They don't even consider what other people are thinking. Food is fuel and a pleasure. Food is just food.
I can't even imagine what it must be like for it all to be so simple.
Why can't food for us be as simple as it is for animals? Why all this fear and stress, why the total obsession?
Why does it have to be starve or binge?
Why does it have to be obsessing over every calorie? Why do I have the control to pare it down to a few hundred calories a day when I want to, yet some days I lose control so pathetically that I stuff my face with everything I can find? Why do I have to end up crouching in front of the toilet with my fingers down my throat, failing even to do that successfully? Why can I not accept that I've achieved something without constantly seeking ways to self-sabotage?
I just want it to stop. I just want it to be normal. I don't want to have to think about it any more, worry about it any more, I can't take it, I just need a break, a break, I want it to stop. I want to stop.
Leave me alone, food. I can't handle this all-or-nothing lottery we seem to be playing.
No comments:
Post a Comment