Friday, 15 June 2012

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man

Bake me a cake as fast as you can,
Pat it and prick it and mark it with P
And put in the oven for me, for me, for me, for me...

Here's the thing. I love baking. I love all cooking, actually, it's almost an obsession. But I really, really love baking. Any excuse really- cakes, buns, biscuits, scones, pastries, pies... Cooking is one of my favourite things to do. It keeps me busy, it keeps my mind off things, it lets me create, it lets me make other people happy, it's fun.

Unfortunately, it is also one of the biggest binge-triggers I have. Maybe it's because I feel I need to taste-test everything before I share it with people, to check that it's all right. Maybe it's because I feel the need to destroy the evidence of when things go not quite to plan. Maybe it's because baking is almost impossible to do for one person only. Baking comes in batches, and then I worry about wasting it, about things going stale. Maybe it's because it tastes so good. Baked goods, I have discovered, are pretty much the easiest ridiculously-high-calorie things to eat too many of. If I ate 500 cals of chocolate, I'd know about it. If I ate 500 cals of bread, I'd feel it. If I ate 500 cals of sweets, I'd probably pass out from the sugar. But 500 cals of cake? Or biscuits? Easy. I'd barely even notice.

Baking is dangerous for me. And I hate this so much, because I love baking so much. But I can't seem to stop it. Even if I only have one of something when they come out of the oven, even if I stop myself there and then... I always come back later. The next day. Just to check they're still all right? Just to eat them before they go stale? Just because it's so fucking easy to lose control?

I really need to get a hold on this. It's been a month since I hit 10st and I'm still here. I'd like to say it's because I've been trying to maintain, but it's not. It's because I've been stuck in a vicious cycle of maintain-binge-restrict which has somehow ended up equalising.

So here are the new rules:
1. Track everything. Everything. Every day. No exceptions. If you don't know how to log it, don't bloody well eat it.
2. No bingeing. This means no eating when you are not in control, even if it's a tiny amount, even if it seems insignificant. It's not about the food, it's about the mindset.
3. Keep a count on binge-free days. First goal is one week.
4. Exercise. Every day. Doesn't matter if it's raining. No excuses.
5. Try and keep a 500 cal daily deficit.  

There is sun today, and no rain yet. It's a good day, despite what I've eaten.

You see, this time, I was baking cookies for a dear friend of mine, who I met up with for an hour or two this morning. Bless her, I'm still not completely sure if she's just being tactful or if she genuinely hasn't noticed, but she's now the only one of my close friends and family I haven't had a weight-loss comment from. But she did say that I was looking really good and she couldn't work out what it was, I had a 'glow', was I pregnant? I think the fact that she hasn't noticed exactly is more touching to me than anything. Maybe it means she never saw me as 'fat' before. Maybe she genuinely hasn't noticed, because she doesn't bother to notice my weight at all. Maybe she just sees me, and sees me more confident, happier, healthier, and responds to that. Maybe. I love her for it anyway.

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