Thursday, 27 October 2011

This is a bit weird...

So today I went over my calorie goal for the first time in five weeks. I kinda knew I would and also I intentionally didn't obsess over calories today because a) I had to give a presentation in one of my tutorials that has been seriously stressing me out for weeks anfd consequently was a thinly-disguised nervous wreck all morning, b) my inconvenient insomnia is rearing its head again and I just need food for energy, and c) my brother is visiting so I took him out for a meal for lunch, and promptly pounced on the breaded brie.

So partly I went over my goal intentionally, and I kinda feel good about allowing myself a treat day and proving that I can brazenly order fried cheese without any particularly crippling guilt. This is good because I really want to maintain a healthy attitude to food, even though I'm restricting, and I don't want to be an obsessive calorie counter all the rest of my life.

But once I'd worked out exactly how many calories I'd had, I did just start feeling pretty edgy and nervous, and started working out how much walking I'd done today and then went and did 500 star jumps just to get my heartbeat up for a bit. And I keep telling myself that I haven't even eaten over my BMR, so it's almost impossible for me to gain any weight as a result of today's calories, but I still feel just a little fat and lazy because of it.

Still mostly I feel okay, and I'm really trying to force myself to be okay, because it's not a disaster. It's really not. It's not even really worth a blog post, but I've made this the place I put random thoughts, and today has had plenty of random thoughts. It's not like anyone reads this anyway, so it doesn't really matter what I say. But writing about it has reinforced my knowledge that my slightly panicky reaction was unwarranted.

Everything is fine. I'll do better tomorrow.

And hopefully the insomnia will wander away again.

Let's have some Edward Thomas:

"I have come to the borders of sleep,
The unfathomable deep
Forest where all must lose
Their way, however straight,
Or winding, soon or late;
They cannot choose.

Many a road and track
That, since the dawn's first crack,
Up to the forest brink,
Deceived the travellers,
Suddenly now blurs,
And in they sink.

Here love ends,
Despair, ambition ends,
All pleasure and all trouble,
Although most sweet or bitter,
Here ends in sleep that is sweeter
Than tasks most noble.

There is not any book
Or face of dearest look
That I would not turn from now
To go into the unknown
I must enter and leave alone
I know not how.

The tall forest towers;
Its cloudy foliage lowers
Ahead, shelf above shelf;
Its silence I hear and obey
That I may lose my way
And myself."

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